Category: Blog

What is Inner Conflict and How to Handle It


What is Inner Conflict and How to Handle It

We all have inner conflicts.  If you have ever heard yourself say I struggle with my weight, saving money, parenting, expressing my feelings, or with just plain having fun then you know what it means to experience an inner conflict.

Inner conflicts are similar to a tug a war between your brain, body and spirit. It is almost as if your mind wants to keep running old scripts and habits while your spirit is eager to create new ones. Without awareness your body is likely to get caught in the middle of this heated exchange.

What is Inner Conflict and How to Handle It

You might experience this as a push, pull feeling. Part of you may want to allow change while another part of you resists it. In daily life this dynamic gets played out through conflict, frustration, insecurity, tension and reactivity.

Sure you could blame it on your circumstances. If it weren’t for the holidays I would have never eaten that chocolate cake or if only I had more support I could have done better on that assignment. You could also project it on the people around you by focusing on their faults and weaknesses. However, as you might have already noticed this rarely does the trick.

inner conflict 101

Inner conflicts and how they impact our lives

Inner conflicts typically begin with statements such as I am sick of, I always or I am so tired of and it is not unusual for them to be accompanied by some jaw clenching, an occasional rant or stomp of the foot. They can also be more subtle for example you might ramp yourself up with excitement about your plan to exercise and eat right.

The moment you miss a few exercise classes you automatically succumb to defeat. Inner struggles weaken your self esteem by strengthening your ego. The ego is the part of you that buys into failure, mistakes and brokenness. Your spirit on the other hand, doesn’t need to buy into anything because it already see’s you as having everything you need.

The key is to align yourself in mind, body and spirit. This alignment allows your spirit to enter fully into your body which inevitably impacts how you see and respond to your environment.

Below are some insights and tips which can help you break free from this cycle of separation. It is the separation which feeds the struggle. As you becoming connected you no longer have a need to be something different. Instead you are guided to love who you are and with that often comes internal as well as external shifts.

Ways to manage your inner conflicts

1. Conflicts are based on illusion.

Illusion happens when we become attached to what is not real. You may think well this body fat is real to me however, science proves what you see is only a fraction of what is. You are far more than your appearance or body. Struggles are your bodies attempt at reminding you of this.

2. Inner struggles often indicate the areas of your life you are putting unnecessary pressure yourself.

Consider putting yourself at ease by engaging your body more than your mind. One way to do this is through conscious breathing. Breathe in through your nose and out through your nose while placing your feet firmly on the ground, do this for a few rounds until you feel more centered.

3. Surrender your will. It is when we attempt to push through our struggles that we end up feeling exhausted.

Surrender doesn’t mean you are giving up. It means you are giving yourself permission to embrace the energy as is. Energy serves you best when it is in motion. Holding on through sheer will, will eventually clam up your energy. Very often the struggle happens because your mind is expelling quite a bit of energy and your body is becoming depleted. The struggle is actually your bodies attempt at getting it back.

4. Struggle happens when we are giving more than we are receiving.

For example, when you give all your attention to someone else’s needs or you attempt to take on extra responsibilities eventually your body is going to have something to say about this. This is because giving without taking time to receive is like telling your spirit to keep away. Your spirit is the part of you which illuminates your resilience, strength and potential. To connect with this aspect of yourself it is important you exercise your ability to receive. Receiving is how your spirit becomes integrated into your physical body.

5. To be become more skilled at receiving it is essential you give yourself permission to feel.

Your feelings show up as sensations in your body. Consider taking a slow, deep inhale through your nose (inflating your abdomen) and an exhale through your nose (deflating the abdomen). At the end of the exhale, pause and observe your bodily sensation. This is what it feels like to receive.

6. Give up the good vs. bad mentality.

This mindset sets you up for gaining relief from the good while being drained by bad. See everything as a choice even your perceived “mistakes” or mishaps.

inner conflict 101

Published at Tue, 14 Jan 2020 12:00:00 +0000

How to Organize Your Life Without Feeling Overwhelmed


How to Organize Your Life Without Feeling Overwhelmed

Do you sometimes feel like you don’t know how to organize your life?

Most people look at their clutter, feel tired and overwhelmed, and then go back to ignoring it as the piles grow larger.

How to Organize Your Life Without Feeling Overwhelmed

They think ignoring it is the easier choice. As the piles grow, they feel more overwhelmed, exhausted, and stressed. But for a variety of personal reasons, they choose to ignore it still.

Soon, they pay money to store it somewhere, chuck it all without giving it any thought, or live with it because they’ve developed a hoarding problem.

None of these are healthy decisions. Even if you have just a little bit of clutter, you’re going to experience more stress and feel overwhelmed than you deserve.

So I wanted to share my favorite tips on how to organize your life without feeling overwhelmed. Trust me, it can be done!

1.) Organize Your Life by Taking Baby Steps

Most people give up before they begin because organizing their space feels and looks like such a huge job. Often, they can’t even figure out where to begin. This is the wrong way to go about getting – and staying – organized.

The trick is to take the overwhelming feeling out of the situation. Do that by focusing on taking one step at a time:

  • Pick a category to start with, such as clothing.
  • Select one item of clothing at a time and choose whether or not you still like, use and need the item in your hand.
  • Choose a spot to keep that item and place it there.
  • Repeat these steps with the next articles.

2.) Don’t Assume It’s All or Nothing

You do not need to start and finish an organizing project on the same day. In fact, if it’s so overwhelming for you, please don’t!

There’s no such thing as completely finishing it because life will always be bringing in new stuff, new people, new choices, and new opportunities. But the more you build up the skills that you use when you organize your life, the easier it will be to maintain a happy, healthy life.

Here’s how:

  • Break down projects into smaller, more manageable steps.
  • Set a time limit so you don’t get overwhelmed or exhausted.
  • Be proud of what you did accomplish that day versus what you didn’t get done as it will help motivate you to keep going.

3.) Focus on Your Priorities

Figure out what’s important to you. Is it your health, happiness, family, work, friends? Great! Knowing what’s important to you is a valuable tool in helping you organize your life without feeling overwhelmed.

When you know what’s truly important to you, it’s so much easier to identify and eliminate things that are becoming a hindrance to your priorities. Here’s how:

  • List your top five priorities in life to help you figure out what items can stay or need to go.
  • Place easy-to-implement boundaries for yourself to help you remain focused.
  • Align decisions based on your priorities.

4.) Do Relax and Breathe

A lot of people fear that they will make a mistake and throw something out that they will need desperately. Like you finally decide to throw out your taxes from 2000, but you fear that the very next day, the IRS will start an audit on those exact records (even though you know perfectly well that unless you deliberately committed fraud, that can’t actually happen).

Those types of fears force many people to keep thinking “they may need it someday”. Fear only lets you continue making bad decisions for yourself. So instead, try to relax and realize there are few “errors” you can actually make:

  • Do your homework. If you’re worried about letting go of important papers because you may need to prove something later, use the Internet to look up what you actually need to keep. The more you educate yourself, the easier – and safer – you’ll feel once you organize your life.
  • Contact the company concerned. Most items can be replaced if you accidentally let something go. Often, you can contact companies if you lost a receipt or you can’t find an exact or close enough replacement elsewhere.
  • Remember that letting go of anything is a hard process – and that’s okay. Honor that feeling and don’t push yourself into making hasty decisions because you think you “should”.
  • If in doubt, keep it until you’ve reached a point where you feel comfortable letting your stuff go.

5.) Start with the Easy Stuff

organize your life piles of paper

Life is hard enough without you purposely making it harder for yourself. So start the organizing process by choosing to make the easy decisions first. This works well because it’s less overwhelming, but also you allow yourself the time to develop the skills used in the task.

These skills will enable you to make better decisions for your life now and in the future. By the time you reach the harder decisions, you’ll be a pro at decision-making and the process would feel easier. Here’s how:

  • There really isn’t a time limit for when you get organized. If you can’t make a decision now, put it on hold until you’re ready.
  • Ask for help and support. This process can be very stressful for some people – but ask for it anyway. Whether you pay for a professional or you have a trusted friend to help you, support and guidance are key toward achieving great and lasting results.
  • Trust your intuition. Organizing is actually a great way to learn how to work with and trust your intuition. So allow yourself to listen to your inner voice on whether or not to keep something. Soon, you’ll have built up your intuition muscle to use with all the decisions you make in life.

6.) Take a Break When You Organize Your Life

This can be a tiring process. There are a lot of decisions to make and it can feel overwhelming without taking a few breaks in between. It also isn’t always the most fun process.

But when you do it in smaller increments and then take a break, it makes it easier to work through the time length you’ve chosen. It may also help you continue the process more readily, because you’ve broken it into smaller, more manageable chunks.

  • Set a timer to remind yourself to take scheduled breaks.
  • Take 5-10 deep breaths during the break to re-center yourself and get your brain functioning again.
  • Go outside for a little while and use the time to visualize exactly how you want your space to look and feel without the clutter clouding your choices.

7.) Focus on the Positive

Once you organize your life and think that it’s going to be hard and overwhelming, chances are, it will be.

However, when you focus on WHY you’re getting organized, it can make the entire process easier to do and you may find you’re actually enjoying yourself.

Why not think about possibly finding some lost treasures, or even how you might end up making some money getting rid of unwanted items?

  • Remind yourself that you’ll feel lighter and things will be easier when you get rid of old stuff.
  • Focus on how excited you’ll be to see and enjoy your most treasured belongings again.
  • Find something you would really love to purchase, and then pay for it using the money you make selling your old unwanted items.

8.) Keep Similar Things Together

Make the process of organizing easy rather than overwhelming by keeping similar items together. If it’s easy to remember where you put it, you’re more likely to place it back there each time you’re finished with it.

  • Try not to bury something way in the back. The more you can see an item, the more likely you are to use it.
  • Put items used most often at the front and items least used towards the back.

9.) Buy the Right Products

There are so many products for organizing out there, that trying to find the right one can be an overwhelming process itself.

The trick is to make sure the product you are buying has the following three qualities listed below. Otherwise, more often than not, you’ll find you have a collection of unusable products adding to your pile of clutter.

Make sure organizers are:

  • Working the way you need it to.
  • Fit in the space you’re using it for.
  • Aesthetically-pleasing.

When you approach organizing as a process to help you lighten your load and make more manageable, it quickly can become a far less overwhelming process. Remember that you deserve to live a happy, healthy, productive life – however that looks to you.

By using these simple tips on how to organize your life, you’ll start to see AND feel the positive differences letting go of your clutter can make. You will also experience a difference in your physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

As always, if you require additional support and guidance, hire a professional you feel comfortable working with.

Published at Sun, 29 Dec 2019 12:10:00 +0000

12 Exciting Reasons To Smile More Every Day


12 Exciting Reasons To Smile More Every Day

What are the benefits of smiling? And, why you should smile more! 

Smiling isn’t just a way to make you look better in pictures — there are many more important benefits to showing those pearly whites.

12 Exciting Reasons To Smile More Every Day

Before you take our word for it, read how research proves smiling can be good for you:

Also check out these quotes about smiling for more inspiration.

1. It Can Lower Your Stress Levels

When you smile, you trick your mind into thinking that you’re happy. This can turn off the responses your mind dredges up when it thinks there’s a threat nearby. So the next time you’re stressed out, just smile to ease your anxiety.

2. It Can Make Other People Feel Better

Not only does smiling make you feel better about a situation, but it can make other people feel less stressed too. It turns out smiling is contagious. When you smile, it can make others smile, which leads to lower stress levels all around. So, be sure to say cheese often to create a happy atmosphere.

3. Smiling Can Help You Fight Illness

When you’re not so stressed, your immune system doesn’t work in overdrive to fight the perceived threat, which means it can focus on keeping you healthy. Studies have shown that smiling strengthens the immune system and leads to higher white blood cell counts, which wards off illnesses. It’s just what the doctor ordered!

4. People Will Want to Meet You

Whether you want to make new friends or you want to run a successful business, smiling will make you more approachable. Smiling shows people that you want to speak and interact with them. In a survey for National Smile Month, 80 percent of respondents reported that they would be likely to talk to someone if that person smiled at them.

5. It Can Help You Feel More Comfortable in Social Situations

It’s common to feel awkward in some social situations. You may not know anyone or feel as though you are out of place. Smiling can help you feel better in these situations. When you smile, you feel better about yourself — and more comfortable with your situation.

6. People Will Trust You More

A study by the University of Pittsburgh found that participants trusted people more when they smiled. The next time you are in a situation where you want to make a good first impression, flash that charming smile. You may just notice people warm up to you quicker.

7. You’re Less Likely to Suffer From Sadness

When you smile, you release serotonin. A boost in serotonin is a great mood booster and a natural anti-depressant. The best part? There are no nasty side effects!

8. It Makes You Look More Successful

When you think of someone successful, you probably picture someone confidently smiling. That’s because, according to Lily T. Garcia, DDS, smiling can actually make you look more successful.

Think about it: Many people in the business world will flash a smile at a potential or existing client. Why? Because of the happiness and success that smiling hints at. So if you want a smile that screams Hollywood success, avoid anything that could cause it to look less attractive — and make sure you make that smile a big one!

9. It Makes You Look Younger

Researchers have found that smiling can make people look younger. When participants in the study were shown photographs of people who were smiling or not smiling, they underestimated the ages of the smilers. Also, 63 percent of people believe that those who smile in photographs appear more attractive.

10. Smiling Makes You a More Positive Person

The brain often thinks negatively as a defense mechanism, but that negative thinking only has negative consequences. Smiling can turn that all around. It can retrain your brain to think more positively, to make better decisions and to feel better about life.

11. It Can Boost Productivity

When you’re down in the dumps, it can be difficult to stay motivated to get your work done. However, when you’re smiling, you feel happier, which can improve your productivity.

12. You Can Become More Creative

Just as smiling can boost your mood, it can stir up creativity. Studies show that happier people come up with more ways to solve problems. Physiologically, smiling can lead to feeling happy which releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter that helps with learning, processing information and making decisions.

Smile More!

You don’t have to feel like smiling to smile. Go ahead, do it right now. Start with a small smile, and then turn it into a great big grin.

You may feel weird at first, but if you keep it going for long enough, your mind and body will catch on and you’ll start to feel and think differently while improving your health. Go ahead: Smile more and see how far it really takes you.

Published at Thu, 12 Dec 2019 12:30:00 +0000

How to Replace Your Social Media Jealousy with Inspiration


How to Replace Your Social Media Jealousy with Inspiration

These days, in the era of social media, it is easier to be envious of someone, than it is to be happy for them.

Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat show us a constant 24-hour highlight reel of the best moments from the lives of our friends, family members, celebrities, people we look up to, and even complete strangers.

How to Replace Your Social Media Jealousy with Inspiration

Social media is a constant reminder that, no matter how much you have, there is always somebody with more. You could have 100 million followers on Instagram, but footballer Cristiano Ronaldo would still have 89 million followers than you.

It’s unavoidable. There is always someone with more.

There is always someone with more likes, more followers, more attention, more glory, more fame, and more wealth than you have. There is always someone who is traveling to more beautiful destinations, who seems to be in a happier or more loving relationship with their partner, who got married sooner than you, who had their first child earlier than you did, who has more degrees, who goes to more exciting events than you do, and who appears to be much happier than you are.

That’s our predicament in this era that we live in today. Social media makes appearances seem like reality.

So we end up viewing a 24-7 highlight reel of the most positive moments out of peoples’ lives, without seeing any of the negative. All we see are the highs on social media. People rarely show you the lows.

These constant updates about the biggest victories from our friends’ lives can trigger our jealousy and envy. You see someone winning an award, getting married, spending time with their boyfriend or girlfriend, hanging out with their kids, getting a promotion, landing a new job, going on epic vacations, or living a luxurious lifestyle. And all of a sudden, you want what they have.

That’s jealousy.

It is such a toxic, negative, and painful emotion. But in today’s day and age, jealousy isn’t just common. It’s almost inevitable for someone to feel envious, especially for all the people out there who don’t have a firm idea of who they are yet, feel lost, haven’t found their place in the world, or don’t feel 100% happy with their lives yet.

So in a world where we are constantly plugged into a 24-hour highlight reel of the seemingly amazing lives of others, how do we avoid jealousy?

These are a few ways that you can learn to replace your social media jealousy with inspiration.

For more inspiration, be sure to also check out our compilation of jealousy quotes on dealing with envy.

Remember. Nobody’s Life is As Perfect as It Seems

Even though it might appear as though Cristiano Ronaldo has the perfect life—a wife who is a supermodel, all the money any man could ever want, loads of love and attention, incredible talents, and more Instagram followers than most can imagine—you must keep in mind that Cristiano is also human. And his life is flawed and imperfect just like everybody else’s.

I’m just using Cristiano as an example. But this applies to everyone. Every human being on the planet, no matter how flawless their lives might seem, is flawed.

And every human being struggles with painful setbacks, mistakes, hardships, obstacles, failures, illnesses, losses, and imperfections. Even though the grand majority of people are not sharing their weakest, most painful, and most vulnerable moments on social media for the whole world to see, there are always some trials and tribulations going on behind the scenes that the general public doesn’t see.

So even though it seems as though that person you are following on Instagram or Facebook has a better life, it’s crucial to keep in mind that they also struggle through pain, hardships, flaws, and imperfections just like you do. In fact, if you really knew how many struggles they go through behind the scenes, you would probably never feel jealous or envious of that person’s life ever again.

Show Gratitude for Who You Are. Understand that Nobody’s Life is Better Than Yours

Jealousy and envy are based on the idea that another person’s life is better than yours. In order to put social media jealousy in the past, you must start by realizing that nobody’s life is actually better than yours.

You are the only you in the history of the universe. There has never been and there will never be another human being with your talents, gifts, abilities, ideas, sense of humor, personality, looks, and experiences.

Your life is uniquely beautiful, amazing, and incredible. Once you truly see and embrace the beauty of your uniqueness, you will find it extremely hard to feel jealous of anybody else’s life.

Gratitude is the key to falling in love with your life. Gratitude is a jealousy killer. It is the absolute antidote to envy. (Also read these gratitude quotes.)

Can you list 5 things about yourself and your life that you are grateful for? How about 10 things about your life that you love?

After you finish reading this blog post, break out a pen and pad and write down 5 or more things in your life that you are grateful for. Do this on a daily basis and your jealousy will slowly start to disappear until it’s completely gone.

Learn from the People Who Make You Jealous. Seek to Emulate their Success

Jealousy is based on the idea that you don’t have the capacity to attain the same accomplishments as somebody else. The truth is, jealousy is a false emotion. You do have the ability to achieve everything that those other people already have, in your own unique way.

I’m not saying that you will ever have the ability to play soccer just as well as Cristiano Ronaldo. For the majority of us, that would be a lie. What I’m saying is, you can achieve a similar level of success compared to Ronaldo’s—your own version of that accomplishment.  

The only person who can stop you from getting there is yourself.

So instead of feeling jealous or envious of Ronaldo, try to learn from him. Watch his interviews. Read his Instagram and Facebook captions. If the person you look up to has published a book or a biography, read it. Study their lives and look for clues. Try to understand what made that person successful. Look for the principles and fundamentals that allowed them to rise so high.

Then do your best to emulate the people who have more than you. Instead of feeling jealous of their prosperity, use what you’ve learned from them to build your own success. As you make more and more progress, you will begin to understand the truth: You are capable of rising just as high and accomplishing just as much in the world as the people who make you feel jealous, if not more.

You probably have the capacity to accomplish even more than they did. But before you can do that, you have to start by believing that you can.

When You See Someone Win, Feel Genuinely Happy for Them.

My last tip is to replace your jealousy with feelings of happiness for others. Feel happy for them. Celebrate the successes of others. Try your best to feel legitimately happy about their victories and accomplishments.

Seeking to feel happy for other people, rather than jealous, is extremely important. Because social media jealousy doesn’t just make you feel bad, envy can actually block you from attaining the things and experiences that you want in life.

When you feel envious of someone, you are sending a message to your subconscious mind that you do not have the capacity to attain that person’s success. So your mind will subconsciously seek to find circumstances and situations that match what you are already thinking. You will attract more of the same—more mediocrity, more lack of success, more lack of loving relationships, more hardships, and more obstacles.

However, when you celebrate the successes of others, when you feel legitimately happy for them, you are sending a signal to the universe that you are just as capable of attaining their success. You will attract the positive circumstances that will lead you to success, growth, and prosperity. 

So as hard is it may feel at first, it is super-important to feel happy for people who you see winning on social media, even people you consider enemies.

Principles for Leaving Jealousy In Your Past Forever

The goal of this post is to help you leave social media jealousy in the past.

So from now on, when you look at Cristiano Ronaldo’s Instagram profile—or anybody else’s social media profile that made you feel jealous in the past—get inspired, not jealous.

Look at that person’s success. See their highlight reel of all their best moments. And understand that they are imperfect and flawed humans who struggle just as much as you do, if not more. And try your best to feel legitimately happy for them, inspired by their greatness, and super-grateful for all of the unique and beautiful qualities that you have going for yourself.

When you feel inspired instead of jealous, life will begin to open up to you. You will start to realize one of the world’s greatest truths: life isn’t a zero sum game. You don’t lose every time somebody else wins. In reality, their success increases your success. Their happiness increases your happiness. And vice versa.

We live in an abundant universe where there is more than enough prosperity for all of us. We all can win! You can embrace that abundance by leaving jealousy in your past.

In today’s digital era, learning to leave your social media jealousy behind is essential not just for growth, but also for mental health, happiness, and peace of mind.

So what did you take away from this article? Did any of these ideas stick out to you or resonate with you more than the others? Which one of these tips are you going to be putting into action from now moving forward?

Leave your feedback down below in the comments!

Published at Wed, 27 Nov 2019 12:00:54 +0000

How to Manage Perfectionism


How to Manage Perfectionism

Discover healthy ways to recognize and manage your perfectionism.

To understand how to manage perfectionism, you first need to know what drives it. Usually, we wind up as perfectionists when this behavior is modeled regularly by our parents or caretakers and when they consistently push us to be perfect.

manage perfectionism

It’s important to recognize that, in most cases, they wanted us to do well because they loved us and, most likely, had no idea that trying to shape us into flawless beings could possibly do us any harm.

Here are some steps to take to recognize and manage perfectionism:

• Observe this tendency in yourself

If you tend to go above and beyond more often than not, observe your behavior. You’ll need to do this for a while in various situations to get a full picture of the extent of your perfectionism. Check out your behavior at work, at play, at home, with your children and in any setting in which you think might be putting in too much effort.

If you pay close attention, you’ll note an inner sense that you need to keep doing something to get it right and feel as if you can’t stop if you don’t. You might also notice that you keep driving yourself forward in the hopes of getting approval.

Should this happen a great deal, you likely to have strong perfectionist tendencies. If you go for the gold in only one or two areas of your life, you might have things just right.

This may mean that you’re selective about where you put your time and effort. Alternately, most across-the-board perfectionists are all too aware of the fact that they have this trait.

• Understand how you developed this trait

Think back to your childhood and ask yourself some questions: Were either of my parents perfectionists or was anyone else who played a major part in my upbringing?

What was the emotional tenor of my childhood apropos doing things right—or wrong? Was there a competitive feeling in the family? Was success or excelling more highly regarded than other qualities?

Here are more questions to ask yourself: What happened when I didn’t do things perfectly? Of course, perfectionism translates into what your parents thought was perfect, right or acceptable. When you didn’t do something just so, did your parents express grave disappointment in or anger at you?

Were you pushed beyond your natural abilities or compared to others and found lacking? Were you punished, shamed, teased, or humiliated? Did your parents withdraw love when you did anything in less than a stellar way? Did you feel chronically not good enough?

• Evaluate your experience of feeling bad or wrong in childhood

Many people become perfectionists because anything less makes them feel as if they’re bad or wrong. As a child, especially if your parents were intolerant of mistakes or failures, feeling bad or wrong was just about the worst thing that could happen to you, particularly if it happened regularly.

Perfectionism is a learned trait that we’re conditioned to pursue for adaptive reasons. Maybe you kept trying to hit a home run or bake a cake, ace geometry, play the piano, ski down the black diamond trails, or take first place in spelling contests because you didn’t want to fail.

As children, it’s normal to be desperate for praise and approval and that desperation often becomes an ingrained habit that morphs into perfectionism.

Ask yourself what the opposite of achieving perfection is. People usually say failure which is accompanied by shame or humiliation. In most cases, being afraid of making mistakes and of letting others down is what leads to the need to be perfect. If you associate failure with having less-than views of yourself, you’ll naturally want to be perfect to avoid them.

• Identify your beliefs about mistakes and failure

To manage perfectionism, make a list of what you believe about mistakes and failure such as:

  • I shouldn’t make mistakes.
  • Mistakes can be avoided if I try hard enough.
  • Failure is a terrible thing, to be avoided at all cost.
  • If I’m not perfect, I’m a failure.
  • I always need to try my hardest or give an endeavor my best shot.
  • I must be perfect to be lovable and loved.

Would you be surprised to learn that none of the above statements are true? No one can live without making mistakes and failing occasionally. They are both a natural, normal part of life. Accepting this truth will go a long way toward reframing your attitude toward perfection.

• Reframe your beliefs about mistakes and failure

Here are some healthy beliefs about mistakes and failure. Notice how you feel as you read through them, especially if you have a reaction that I must be wrong and that these beliefs couldn’t possibly be healthy.

If you have such a response, know that you’ve been wrongly indoctrinated on the subject of mistakes and failure and that this is why you’re such a dyed in the wool perfectionist.

  • Everyone makes mistakes and I’m no different.
  • The world won’t fall apart if I make a mistake or fail, even when I try my hardest.
  • Failure is normal and natural and cannot be avoided.
  • I can do something imperfectly without failing at it.
  • I don’t need to excel at everything and I can choose where I wish to and where I don’t.
  • I’m lovable and expect to be loved as a flawed human being.

• Forget about always doing your best

The truth is you don’t need to be perfect at anything or everything. My father brought me up according to the adage, “Good, better, best, never let it rest, ‘til the good is better and the better is the best” and I spent half a lifetime shedding that unhelpful piece of advice, though I have absolutely no doubt that my loving father meant well by encouraging me to live by it. My guess is that he was raised with the same expectation and that, as a highly competent, successful man, he never questioned it.

Why not start from the premise that you’re going to do some things well in your life and some things poorly, that you have strengths and weaknesses just like the rest of us, and that your success or failure in an activity has absolutely nothing to do with your value as a human being.

Working off this assumption, you then won’t misinterpret what doing poorly means. Of course, you might still wish to shine in, say, math, but doing poorly won’t define you’re worth or affect your self-esteem.

• Stop measuring yourself against perfection

If we measure every aspect of ourselves against some perfect ideal, we’ll be pretty bummed out nearly all the time.

Considering that humans are imperfect beings and that we can’t control the universe, how can we insist that whatever we’re engaged in—playing tennis, parenting a child, giving a speech, or taking a vacation—must be a complete success?

Whenever humans are involved, we need to toss out the concept of flawless and get real. And real means flaws, faults, frailties and defects. Real means good enough, close-but-no-cigar and, often, only the best we can do at any given time.

• Decide how well you wish to do at certain activities

When you try to do everything well, you’re setting yourself up for stress, distress and exhaustion. We soon run out of steam if we try to do our best at everything. And, who says that we need to?

Mental and physical energy are not infinite resources and human beings often get depleted from trying too hard. When that happens we look for quick fixes in food or alcohol, may become irritable with others and, in frustration, often want to chuck whatever we’re trying to do and give up.

Consider this. What if you didn’t try to do everything perfectly and give every endeavor your best shot? The advantage of this mindset, to which I wholly subscribe, is that you would then have enough energy to do the things that are important to do well with excellence.

Try this: Think of endeavors as falling into the categories of excellent, good, fair or poor. When I work with clients on reducing their all-or-nothing mindset of perfectionism versus failure, I suggest that they imagine baskets with these labels on them, then determine which tasks or efforts go in which baskets.

For example, my excellent basket contains wishing to do my best as a wife, friend, and in doing therapy with clients. My aim is to do a good job as a writer, staying abreast of the news, and being politically active in my community, while I’m content to be a good-to-fair housekeeper, cook and bookkeeper for my private practice.

And, I’m okay with being a poor gardener. The point is that I don’t strive to be my best at everything I do. I don’t care if guests enter my house and compliment me on my spotless domain or leave my house raving about my cooking.

I do a decent job at bookkeeping, but find it difficult and have settled for being merely adequate at it. There are much better writers than I am, but I’m satisfied with being a “good” rather than a “great” one.

To be honest, I’m a big fan of being good enough at most things, period. I’d rather put time and effort into doing well at what I enjoy and excel in and not so much into what I don’t value or simply don’t have the smarts, talent or inclination for.

For example, when I was attending Simmons College School of Social Work, most of my classmates were driving themselves crazy trying to get top grades, while I was thrilled that I’d chosen to go the pass/fail route to reduce the pressure and increase the pleasure of graduate school. Good enough is generally good enough for me.

• Recognize when perfectionism or near perfection is important

There are jobs and times when you will wish for and seek perfectionism. If you’re a surgeon, you’ll want to do a perfect job. It’s a necessity for you and for your patients.

Ditto, if you’re a nurse dispensing medication or a lawyer arguing a death penalty case. In fact, if you work in any profession where safety, including public safety, is your focus, you’ll want to aim for no mistakes. Shooting for perfect also makes sense when you’re applying for a job, trying to make a team, or are an Olympic competitor.

There are other jobs and endeavors where striving for perfection is de rigueur. Think of saving perfection for things that really, really, really matter. That does not include making the world’s juiciest, most tender Thanksgiving turkey, folding towels, or shoveling snow.

• Learn to enjoy your imperfection

Practice laughing at your mistakes, sharing your bloopers with your friends, owning up to your own failures before someone else points them out, allowing yourself to be fair to midland at things, giving up trying to make things work out right all the time and, instead, riding with the tide and going with the flow.

Go for broke on being flawed. I once wrote a newspaper article on “The Art of Mediocrity” which extolled the merits and benefits of striving to be a mediocre skier because I doubted I’d have enough fun if I forced myself to focus strictly on perfect form.

I feel the same way as a lifelong (though on-and-off) tap dancer who’s still an advanced beginner. In fact, I challenge anyone to say they have a better time in tap class than I do. Perfectionism is a kind of slavery, whereas imperfection can feel like glorious freedom.

Throw off the shackles of having to do your best in every endeavor and start deciding exactly where you want to put your effort. When you do, you’ll find that you have a oodles of energy for the things you really wish to do well and that life becomes more satisfying and enjoyable.

As an extra bonus, people will probably find your more relaxed attitude, a good deal more pleasant to be around. Good enough might actually feel just perfect.

What steps are you taking to manage your perfectionism? I’d love to hear all about it in the comment section below. Also, don’t forget to share with your friends and followers.

Published at Mon, 11 Nov 2019 22:00:58 +0000

How To Turn Loneliness Into Moments of Self Reflection


How To Turn Loneliness Into Moments of Self Reflection

Being alone is daunting for some people. Let’s face it: in today’s world, it is believed that we are hardly ever alone, especially with the use of technology and the connections we have with others through social media.

But for however connected we feel that we are, however many Likes on our posts we receive, or re-tweets or messages we get, the digital world can be very cold at times. We carry our smart phones, tablets, and even laptops around everywhere. But is it actually connecting us to real relationships – or is it distracting us from the world around us?

how to deal with loneliness

Regardless of how we feel about the aforementioned, we all go through moments that we find ourselves alone with our thoughts, our feelings. At times, these moments can feel lonely.

But they don’t have to. When we know how to deal with loneliness, we can use those moments to explore our own minds and thoughts. And ultimately, build a better version of ourselves in the process.

During the day, activities – whether physical or mental – keep us rather occupied. Usually this idea of being alone sets in at night, when the energy is less active, so to speak. You see, if you take a moment to feel what the world is like during the day and at night, you’ll find that they feel completely different form one another.

One thing to keep in mind is that during the day, the energy is much more active than at night. So the feeling at night is sometimes interpreted as a sense of loneliness. There is simply much more down time at night than during the day. Remember: we live in a society that is based on the idea of work, movement, and production.

So it’s natural, even if people do work at night that the energy during this time is calmer and less heightened than during the day. Nighttime can be used to reflect on the day’s activities, and think about its aspects.

What did you do today? What is still left to do that you can start tomorrow? What did you experience during the day? What could have been done better or differently?

How To Deal with Loneliness

Here are a few ideas on how to deal with loneliness, especially during those times that the connection to others feels like it’s dwindling.

1) Write in a journal.

how to deal with loneliness

Take the time to write about your day. You’ll find that even if you start with NOT having anything to write about, allow yourself to free write. All of a sudden, thoughts and ideas will find their way to your journal and help you clear things up.

Writing in a general may seem a little dated, but there’s nothing like expressing your thoughts on paper or a digital format to clear your mind. Plus, seeing your thoughts written out many times helps you understand certain things better.

I advise this to my patients and students because of the wonderful results it has.

2) Deal with what you have to deal with.

how to deal with loneliness

Or better said, think about what you have to deal with. Throughout the day, we push less pleasant thoughts away.

Many times we bottle them up and keep them inside somewhere. These same thoughts have a tendency of coming up again at night. They come at night because it’s quiet and the mind feels that the quieter times of the day are the best times to think about the bottled thoughts.

Deal with them at your own pace. These are thoughts that need your attention, which is why they come up. The more you push them away, the harder they’ll push back. Write them down in your journal, meditate upon them, write a song, or paint a picture. This is also a good way on how to deal with loneliness.

Whatever path you choose, make sure to take the time to give your thoughts the attention that they need. Clear them out.

3) Technology isn’t always the answer.

how to deal with loneliness

Many times, we feel that by simply being online, we’re connected to others. However, being online feels emptier than actually sitting alone in a room. Take time to think about what you’re doing when you’re online. Are you being constructive, or are you buying time for something else?

Consider what you’re thinking about and use the time to better build on something you may be working on. For the most part, it’s not so much about hanging out online and waiting for someone to Like your post. But you can actively search for information, blogs that write about a craft you may be thinking about taking on, or even tutorials in the form of videos that can help you in school, at work, or in your personal ventures.

Technology is a blessing and a curse. But the good thing is that, we can use it as a tool to inspire us to reach that next level.

4) Hard to sleep?

how to deal with loneliness

Often, trying to go to sleep doesn’t work out so well. We find ourselves in a pit of loneliness. When we can’t sleep, we often over-think, and in the process, wear ourselves out.

Remember: the mind races from thought to thought during the day. So it’s only natural for the mind to continue doing so even at night. We have to let the mind know that it’s okay to calm down and relax.

Try some meditation to get yourself ready for bed. Progressive relaxation always works, or maybe even some cool music, or environmental sounds can ease the mind from over-thinking.

5) Being alone is OK.

how to deal with loneliness

Above all else, the time you have with yourself is a great opportunity to get to know more about yourself. When you are away from others, another version of YOU springs to life.

Many times, it’s the more inquisitive version of you, a more understanding version of you, or even a more patient side of you. Learning how to deal with loneliness is an important time to freely think and do as you will.

Getting to know yourself better, and understanding what your mind, body, and emotions are communicating with you, is essential to one’s personal and social growth.

Remember that while we build the relationships around us with family and friends, the most important relationship, is the relationship you have within yourself. The more time you take to get to know yourself, the stronger, clearer and more aware you’ll become.

Life is a curious and beautiful thing. Sharing this experience with someone else makes it that much more special. Hope this helps you deal with loneliness and ‘till next time, trust yourself.


Professor Robert J. Escandon MA. C.Ht.

Published at Fri, 25 Oct 2019 11:30:00 +0000

Bus driver saves passengers life and more positive headlines you may have missed this week


Bus driver saves passengers life and more positive headlines you may have missed this week

Bring on the Pumpkin Spice lattes, autumn foliage and sweater weather. I am here for all things fall because a change in seasons often brings about new energy, excitement and opportunities.

This week I’m highlighting positive news stories from across the world that may have flown under the radar or not gotten as much media coverage as they deserve. My favorite story among this week’s group is about a Miami bus driver who takes pride in serving her community while on the road.

good news of the week

I like this story because it proves no matter what you do for work, you have the power to make a positive and profound impact on others.


City bus drivers log hundreds of miles per shift making sure passengers get to their destinations safely and on time. One bus driver in Miami recently went above and beyond her regular job duties using keen observations and quick thinking to help save a passenger’s life.

LaRonda Marshall says while driving her normal route a man riding her bus alerted her to another passenger on board who seemed to be sick. Marshall pulled over, called the central office for help and tried to wake the man who appeared to be unconscious. Other passengers helped Marshall lay the sick rider on the floor so she could begin performing CPR until paramedics arrived. 

The man survived, and EMT’s said if Marshall hadn’t performed CPR, the passenger probably would not have made it. Marshall previously worked as a certified medical assistant. In an interview she told reporters she’s happy to be able to put her medical skills to use even though she’s working in a different career field.

This isn’t the first time in her career Marshall has been hailed a hero. In 2017 Marshall saw a man lying in the road after being hit by a car. She pulled her bus at an angle to block him from traffic and stayed with him until help arrived. A month later Marshall spotted a little girl standing in the middle of the street alone and guided the child onto her bus to keep her safe.


An unassuming woman waiting near a Los Angeles Subway platform has become an overnight celebrity after a video of her show-stopping voice has gone viral. Emily Zamoukra was signing in the subway terminal when an LAPD officer stopped to film her. The short clip posted by the officer online quickly racked up more than one million views, sparking a lot of curiosity about the woman with such a powerful voice.

Local media outlets quickly tracked her down and found her backstory to be just as interesting as her voice. Zamourka is a 52-year old Russian immigrant who became homeless after falling on hard times. A series of health problems have made it even harder for the singer to find consistent work and get back on her feet.

Since becoming an internet star Zamourka has been offered a job singing on Saturday evenings at the entrance of Little Italy, an area in San Pedro celebrating Italian heritage in Los Angeles. There’s a GoFundMe page set up for her that’s already raised more than $60,000.

Zamourka recently spoke with a reporter from the Los Angeles Times saying she’s grateful for the officer that filmed her, because it kicked off a whole new wave of opportunities for her to peruse her life-long dream.


A country music fan got a lot more than he bargained for during a back-stage meet and greet with singer Toby Keith. Brandon Rumbaugh is a former marine corporal who lost both legs while serving overseas in Afghanistan. Since his injury, Rumbaugh has used a pair of red, white and blue patriotic-themed crutches to get around. But thanks to a special gift, he now has a new set of wheels.

While performing at a concert in Pittsburgh, country singer Toby Keith, with the help of non-profit organization The Independence Fund presented Rumbaugh with an all-terrain Trackchair. These specialty electric wheelchairs have a rugged design and custom wheels designed to be able to get across all surfaces. According to the U.S. Spinal Association these chairs “can expand your mobility range by taking you where you always wanted to go but were not able.” 

Rumbaugh got to enjoy his new chair from backstage at Keith’s concert. In a Facebook Post, The Independence Fund organizers said they were honored to help make this special moment possible for a deserving service member.


Duchess of Sussex Megan Markle is constantly in the public eye. From her fashion choices to philanthropy efforts, it seems this former actress turned British Royalty is always a popular focus of national media. The Duchess shared photos from a recent trip to Africa where she visited with a group of mothers and babies.

During the trip Markle met with families who are associated with @Mothers2mothers, a South African charity that works to train and employ women who are living with HIV and help them work as frontline health workers. The mothers associated with the program are people who have been identified as ‘Mentor Mothers’ and serve as role models for others in their communities.

Before departing Markle donated two large bags full of clothes that her son Archie Harrison wore as an infant. The now five-month old royal baby has many high-end clothes that are gently used. The Duchess left these gently used items with other mothers as a gift and subtle reminder that despite their differences, all mothers share a common bond of love for their children.

“It’s so important we’re able to share what’s worked for our family and know that we’re all in this together with each other,” said Markle in a post on the Sussex Royal Instagram account. “So, we wanted to share something from our home to each of yours,” she continued in the post’s caption.


The United Negro College Fund (UNCF) has worked for decades to create equality in education by helping make it possible for thousands of minority students to attend college. The UNCF Charlotte chapter and it’s beneficiaries got a big surprise recently during an event that featured Oprah Winfrey as the keynote speaker and guest of honor.

During a speech at the 17th Annual Maya Angelou Women Who Lead Luncheon hosted by UNCF, Oprah announced she would match $1 million dollars that had already been raised through their scholarship fund. Winfrey’s donation boosted the total raised to $2.3 million. The money will help send a handful of students to Historically Black Colleges and Universities.

“I believe in the power of education,” Winfrey had just finished telling the audience at the end of her speech. “There is nothing better than to open the door for someone.”

According to their website, UNCF has helped more than 450,000 students earn college degrees since its founding. It is the nation’s largest private scholarship provider to minority students.

Published at Fri, 04 Oct 2019 19:52:46 +0000

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After Life Netflix Happiness Quote


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